Everything I Never Said
by missmerrymak
Summary: Regina's thoughts after the season 4 finale. Swan Queen


a/n: Reviews are greatly appreciated! **Spoilers for seasons three and four.**

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A thousand things went through my mind when you shoved me out of the way. I'd felt the darkness slithering its cold fingers up my arms and down my throat into my chest but then I was warm. And you were at the center of the swirling tornado of black, terrifying darkness— _giving_ yourself to it like the savior everyone told you that you were.

I had been willing to embrace the darkness but you just _had_ to be so damn infuriatingly self-sacrificing. And now you were gone in a flick of blackness. All you left behind was the dagger that now read your name.

Mary Margaret was the first to move and I was the last. As much as the Charmings wanted to hold onto the dagger I told them no. I could make sure that you never got your hands on it; I could protect it with magic. Because if I've learned anything from Rumple it's that the dark one should never be in possession of his—or in this case _her_ —own dagger.

I picked up the heavy knife and traced your name with my finger. There were so many things that I'd wanted to tell you.

 _I love how you love Henry._ Because despite how much I liked to antagonize you I do appreciate how supportive you've been. Some people would have wanted nothing to do with the child they gave up for adoption. But you took Henry into your heart and never let go. And I appreciated that.

 _Your jeans and leather jacket aren't as annoying as I say they are._ Because even though we dress much differently your red leather and blue jeans and tight tee shirts have become a staple in my life. And when you come back it'll be strange to see the darkness walking in your clothes.

 _Your smile makes me smile._ It wasn't until we found ourselves in Neverland with no semblance of a plan that I realized. No matter what we were doing or who we were battling, when I saw you smile it gave me hope. And when you smiled at me I smiled back not only because our son was alive but because your smile made me feel like I deserved to be smiled at like that. And I was happy.

 _You helped me change._ And I am eternally grateful. Without you I might still be yearning for Henry's love by day and plotting all of your murders by night. You helped me become a better person—the person I've always wanted to be. And, yes, I have my bouts of darkness, but you bring me back into the light. _Thank you._

 _Thank you for believing in me._ Especially when no one else would—or should have. You lifted my spirits when you knew that I didn't have anything to do with the missing year. And it's what got me through Zelena when I was sure that I was going to lose. But more importantly, _thank you for helping me to believe in myself._ You've helped me become a stronger, more self-reliant person and I don't ever know how to repay you.

 _I love our banter._ It's what helped me survive endless days with the Charmings and kept me sane every time our lives are at stake. It's playful and tense and exciting and sometimes my heart pounds when you make some sly remark in my direction.

 _I love your predictability._ I can rely on you. I know when you'll back me up, and I know when you won't. I know what time you come in for coffee every morning because I come in at the same time. And I know that when someone calls you always pick up. If you don't, then something's wrong.

 _I love/hate your unpredictability._ It's the little things really. Because I didn't take you for a Frappuccino with extra whipped cream and chocolate sauce kind of person. And I didn't even suspect that you were going to jump off of a pirate ship during a raging storm into mermaid infested waters. Who would have fucking thought that your unpredictability would occasionally translate into complete and utter idiocy. But despite your momentary lapse in judgement it was bafflingly cute all the same.

 _I love how infuriatingly stubborn you are._ Because when you want to do something you do it come hell or high water. You hold steadfastly to your beliefs. And it can be a pain in the ass, yes, but it can also be the most heart clenching, endearing thing I've ever seen.

 _I can tell when you're lying, too._ Everyone has a tell, or so I've learned from you. Yours are your eyes. They shine when you tell the truth but they dim when you lie—as if you're trying to hide how you really feel. And I usually don't say anything, but I know. Just like you know.

 _You were my friend long before I was yours_. Because I needed someone to latch onto. I was vulnerable and my shell was littered with cracks that filled itself with the desperate need to be wanted. And you just happened to be there. But soon you weren't just a matter of circumstance. And now, well, now mean a bit more to me than that.

 _We share more than a son._ We share a past of abuse and neglect and horrible, terrible emotional traumas. We just don't talk about it. I know you know, though. I can see it in your eyes. And that brings us closer together in a strange, unexplainable way.

 _You need to stop wearing those jeans like they're a second skin._ Because one of these days you're going to catch me ogling you. Then I'll be in trouble. And sometimes I get nervous because I think that you know that I'm imagining myself ripping off that damn leather jacket and sliding those jeans off of your warm skin. But then you look at me curiously and I know that it's all just a pipe dream.

 _I like you._ This isn't the truth but it would come out of my mouth a lot sooner than I love you. But I do. _I love you, Emma Swan._ I don't know when I realized, but now that you're gone all, I want to do is tell you.

And you can't run away, Emma. I know you're scared but I can be there for you. I can be there like you've been there for me the last four years. Let me return the favor. Let me be your savior this time.


End file.
